Bad Dogs of the Pacific basin
Ch. 1 To Start a Fire
In the famous Jack London
tale a sled driver freezes to death after his sled dogs lead him into a patch
of thin ice. Less well known is the fact
that this was a common occurrence in Alaska during the gold rush days. The lead dogs knew where the ice was treacherous and the ability to swerve the sleigh. How could these dogs not resent being
tethered and made to run all day on a bowl of kibbles. After each revolt the huskies freed
themselves and began to thrive with a healthy diet of mice, fish, and caribou.
Ch. 2 The Chinese Imperial
Palace and the nip of Emasculation
Pugs were first bred in the
palace of Emperor Chow Down in 1787. For
many years these dogs were only found in that royal complex. The pugs craved mountain oysters and in the
palace they found the many courtiers to be an easy target. Working in packs of five they set upon their
sleeping victims. All the courtiers
eventually became the eunuchs for which the palace is famous. In fact the end of the dynastic line in 1911
resulted from a guard carelessly leaving ajar the door to the imperial bed
chambers.
Ch. 3 The True Story of
the Boxer Rebellion
In the years before the Boxer rebellion in 1898 the British used
boxers from Queen Victoria’s puppy mill to quell the Chinese population while
they robbed the resources of the nation.
Boxers were already an angry breed because their natural snout had been
bred out of them. At the ends of leashes
held by British soldiers they were fearsome and dangerous. Eventually the Chinese figured out that by
using fishing nets while they rushed guards en masse' the boxers could be
overcome. The British without their
boxers soon found the country impossible to govern and were forced to leave the country.
Ch. 4 Lassie go Home
It’s a misconception that the
common name of the bird Raphus cucullatus referred to the bird’s
intelligence. The truth of the name “Dodo”
bird was that within this octave these birds had the most beautiful and varied
songs in all of nature. This is known
from Captain Cook’s own diary. Alas, we’ll
never hear their beautiful songs. Cook
sailed with his beloved Collies, Lad and Lassie. These two whelped their way across the
Pacific and Cook and with no way to feed the many puppies, left the litters on the
islands he had explored. We are not sure
what became of the collies after they devoured the entire Raphus genus. Some believe they in turn became the fare of
the native islanders whose ritual garments are made of Collie fur and dodo
feathers.
Ch. 5 The Mongrel Invasion
and the Shreds of the Silk Road
Kublai Cur was said the be a
pitbull as tall as a Great Dane and as massive as a St. Bernard. He was the leader of the greatest pack of
dogs ever assembled. These dogs were,
aside from Kublai Cur, ordinary mongrels, but the devastation they unleashed was
of historic importance. Hardly a morsel
was left of the Silk Road and after the devastation, trade and communication
between Europe and the East was crippled for 300 years until the 16th
Century when Portuguese navigators and larger sailing vessels were able to
bring pepper to European tables. Fear of
the dogs possible return mandated maritime transport and halted road building
until he invention of asphalt and concrete paving.
Ch. 6 The Chihuahuas of
Chihuahua
At the turn of the 20th
Century the Olympic games were reinstated in the modern world. At that time it was assumed by all track and
field experts that the distance races and marathons would be dominated by the
Tarahumara Indians of Mexico who would have left the Kenyans and the Ethiopians
in their dust. They could and often did
sprint out of Copper Canyon and run all the way to Chihuahua in a single day….150
miles. It was Pancho Villa himself who
unwittingly kept the Tarahumara Indians from Olympic fame and glory. He did this by promoting the breeding of
Chihuahuas as loyal pets. Indeed what
breed is more protective and territorial than the Chihuahua?
I myself have been bitten by
a single Chihuahua, circling and striking with phenomenal quickness. If one single Chihuahua could bite my ankle,
imagine what five or six working together could do. Nor do they bite at random, but rather they
target the Achilles tendon, Starting in
1910 Indian runners began to beset by Chihuahua packs as soon as they emerged
from the canyon. Many of the best
runners were injured, some never walked again.
Tarahumara Indians no longer run through the Chihuahuan desert, We do
not hear of their Olympic victories, all done in by the canine namesake of
their own native land.
Ch. 7 Ruling Dogs
China is the only nation ever
to have been governed by animals. Their very first ruler was the Dragon
King. Centuries later came the Chow
Dynasty. According to my “World Book”
The dynasty began in 1027 BC and the rulers were “unschooled and primitive”. What it doesn’t say is that the rulers were
actual Chows. Chinese peasant farmers
were forced to produce park and poultry and rice production fell. A second historical error I discovered in my
research was that the Great Wall of China was actually built by the Mongolians
in order to keep the dogs out of their land.
The end of the Chow Dynasty came in 256 BC shortly after the invention
of muzzles, collars and the earliest smelted iron which was fabricated into
chains and posts.
